Ant Farmer's Almanac

MoCCA 2023 is Coming to Town. Be There or Be Square!

At the Metropolitan Pavilion
125 W 18th St, New York, NY 10011

(Stuff I wrote will be on sale)

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Hike-Ew

Too few M&Ms
And too much trail in this mix
Gonna be short hike

Owl looks familiar
And that tree. And those. Have we
Passed this way before?

Thighs ache, breathing hard
Hope next clearing big enough
For rescue chopper

Taco truck with beer
Parked at top of peak might make
This almost worth it

Easier going down
You say? Not reassuring.
Also not even true

Winter hiking ode:
Cocoa at lodge afterwards
Not reward enough

Summit views awesome
Untouched nature to horizon, beyond.
And we’re NOT lost, right?

One more joke re:
Tree, forest, fall, sound and I’m
A dead man, I’m told

 

Toxic Dirt From East Palestine, Ohio Rail Disaster Being Sent to Martha’s Vineyard

"They liked their illegal aliens from Texas so much, let's see how they like this!" said the anonymous spokesman for an unnamed conspiracy theory lobbying group, adding, "How come this sort of railroad crash never happens in elite Blue State liberal Martha's Vineyard... coincidence? I don't think so."

 

Biden's Next Surprise Appearance Will Be on "The Masked Singer"

"Oh, was I not supposed to say that?" exclaimed the president in response to audible sighs from his staff as he spoke to reporters, "I could just sing a different song, couldn't I?" he suggested helpfully, "I still get to wear the Dominion Voting Machine costume, right?"

 

Visitor Who Accidentally Knocked Over Jeff Koons Sculpture of Balloon Animal Favored to Win Pulitzer Prize for Art Criticism

Shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the floor, the porcelain statue -- one of 799 made -- was of a blue dog balloon and valued at $42,000. 

Along with the Pulitzer nomination, the MacArthur Foundation is said to be considering awarding a "Genius Grant" to the still anonymous gallery visitor, noting, "Hey, not all genius is intentional."

 

Beagle Flying a Doghouse Spotted in Video of Chinese Spy Balloon Being Shot Down

Pentagon officials will neither confirm or deny the presence of a cartoon dog in WWI flying ace gear in the vicinity during the airstrike that shot down the Chinese surveillance balloon.

The animal in question was piloting a red doghouse that had no wings, visible means of propulsion or aerodynamic features whatsoever.

Anonymous sources who have closely studied the footage say they could hear someone near the camera exclaiming, "Good grief!"

 

Uncontrollable Urge to Attend Outdoor Events Featuring Jazz Trio Most Common Side-Effect of Prescription Drugs Advertised on TV

A recent study reports the most common side effect of prescription drugs advertised on television is users' compulsion to show up at outdoor venues or events at which a smooth jazz trio is playing.

"It was eerie," says Nancy L, who is on a round of medications successfully treating her IBS, "I was out running some errands and suddenly I found myself at a garden party with a young woman singer backed up by an older guy on guitar and another playing standup bass. I don't remember how I got there. It was like I'd been hypnotized or something," adding, "I guess it's a small price to pay but, I really don't like jazz."

The study, conducted by the The Underhill Institute, reviewed hundreds of cases, finding consistently similar incidents, regardless of the drug being taken or whatever condition the drug was intended to address.

"Any and all gastrointestinal issues, psoriasis, insomnia, COPD, rheumatoid arthritis," says the Institute's spokesman Dr. Sterling Cooper, "Doesn't matter. You name it, you take something for it, bam, you're outside listening to a smooth jazz ensemble. Typically one of them is wearing a straw porkpie hat."

The notable exception, according to the study's findings, is that men using heavily advertised prescription meds for erectile dysfunction are more likely to form or join a rock-and-roll garage band composed of others guys in their late fifties.

 

China Claims Surveillance Balloon is a UFO or Maybe Just Swamp Gas

Spectators in Montana, watching the spy satellite equipped orb float overhead from the parking lot of the Hekawi tribe's Chief Screaming Eagle Casino and Hotel agreed that, "It is bal-loooon!"

 

 

GOP to Replace George Santos with Anthony Devolder

"Devolder's being both a fresh new name and a familiar face at the same time is a real benefit," insists a spokesman for the congressman's home-district Republican Party, adding, "And, if Devolder doesn't work out, we've got a deep bench that includes Anthony Zabrovsky and Kitara Ravache; really, at this point we'll try anything to avoid a special election a Democrat might win."

 

AI Creators Promise Beta Version of George Santos Will be "Much More Convincing"

"Yeah," say software creators at PinocchiCorp, "In hindsight, we shouldn't have released this Alpha version publicly. Clearly, there are still quite a few bugs in the system, although we did get the number of fingers right and his nose doesn't grow when he lies."

 

A Christmas Karen

Ye Olde Yuletide Parody

At the stroke of midnight Christmas Eve, Karen awoke in her bed with a start, sensing there was someone else in her room. Still clutching her MyPillow® tightly while trying to keep very quiet in the darkness, as she reached toward the nightstand where her phone was recharging, she was already thinking up an angry text to send the security company.

But, before she could grab her phone, she heard a voice coming from a ghostly figure hovering over the foot of the bed.

KAREN

Who’s there? What do you want? All my valuables are in a safe-deposit box. In a bank. Far away...

SPIRIT

Karen, I’m here to help you find the true meaning of Christmas…

KAREN

What? Wait a minute. . . why are you green? Are you the Grinch? 

SPIRIT

Chuckles.

Guilty as charged. . . 

KAREN 

The Chuck Jones Grinch or the Jim Carrey Grinch?

SPIRIT

Eh, the Jim Carrey one. . . Now, then, tonight you will be visited by. . .

KAREN

Ugh, not even the good one. . . I know the drill; three ghosts, one every hour, past, present, future, yadda, yadda, yadda. . .

GRINCH

Was I here last year?

KAREN

Look, if we’re gonna do this, why drag it out all night? Can you get everybody here at the same time?

GRINCH

Uh, I, eh. I don’t know for sure. Let me check.

The Grinch shuts his eyes tightly. Two spectral whirlwinds appear on either side of him, gradually taking recognizable form as Charles Dickens and Santa Claus.

CHARLES DICKENS

What the Me are you two doing here? 

SANTA CLAUS

Am I early or late?

GRINCH

Karen, here, insisted on a clusterhaunt. Where’s Krampus?

DICKENS

Three or four time zones behind us, at least. He’s in, let's see, Reykjavík, I think. 

SANTA

Well, if we’re going off-script, maybe I should start. 

Clears throat, takes swig of Coca-Cola®

Karen, having seen you while you’re sleeping and while you’re awake. . .

KAREN

Creepy! Do I need a restraining order?

SANTA

No, it’s all through closed circuit cameras around town and apps on your phone. You wouldn’t stand a chance in court. Anyway, we’ve seen that your behavior demonstrates a certain, shall we say, lack of the Christmas spirit.

Dickens and Grinch stifle snorting giggles

SANTA

Flashes them a dirty look.

Okay, I won’t sugarcoat it. You’re an even bigger pain in the ass during Christmas than the rest of the year. Worse, because it’s the one season when everyone is at least trying to be nicer than usual! Let’s look at what you did just today, on the day before Christmas you: Screamed at 12 fellow shoppers; Bawled out 11 bell ringers; Snarled at 10 part-time sales clerks; Harassed nine wassailers, cut off eight drivers in traffic; Took seven items into a dressing room; Maligned six managers; Frightened five Santa's helpers; Pulled four Santas' beards; Sent back three entrées; Took up two parking spaces; And made a postal carrier cry.

KAREN

Hey, I did what I had to. 

SANTA

Then, when you got home, you fired off an angry email to the HOA, right at dinnertime, demanding they take immediate action regarding light pollution from neighbors’ exterior tree decor, various flaccid inflatable reindeer, stray tinsel on your sidewalk and tweeted a video you made showing the license plates of the car filled with out-of-tune-carolers you’d chased off your front porch and threatened to have arrested.

KAREN

They had it coming.

SANTA

Sighs deeply

Yeah. . .

DICKENS

Look, Karen, here’s the deal. We don’t want to have to come back next year any more than you want us to. How about if you just be less of a dick on the 24th and 25th of December from here on; maybe the whole 12 days before Christmas if you can manage it. How you behave every other holiday is between you and the New Year’s Baby, Cupid, Punxsutawney Phil, the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam and the Pilgrims. Kapish?

GRINCH

Try it. You might like it!

KAREN

Narrows her eyes into a furious scowl and menacingly points her index finger at the ghosts.

You've got some nerve showing up in my house and trying to tell me what to do and when! Why, I oughta. . .

Before Karen can say another word, Dickens, Grinch and Santa exchange exasperated glances and shrug. The trio dissolves into glittering flecks of light, then vanishes completely.

KAREN

Looks around and notices it’s daylight.

Well, so much for saving time. . . I wonder how long that actually took?

Opens window and leans out.

You there, on my porch!

GUY ON PORCH

You mean me?

KAREN

Yes, you, who else? What’s today?

GUY ON PORCH

Why, it’s Christmas morning!

KAREN

Whatever day it is, get your trespassing ass off my property!

GUY ON PORCH

I’m from FedEx!

KAREN

I’m calling the cops!

 

Meanwhile, Hard-Core Folkies Are Still Waiting for His Apology for Going Electric in 1965...

Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".

In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.

New Poll Finds 85% of American Refrigerators Running

Of those contacted by phone, 12% said they were “Not Sure” and 3% declared themeselves “Undecided.” Also, the number of households with Prince Albert in a can is at an historic low.

 

Trump Won't Partake in Right to Remain Silent

Calls appointment of Special Prosecutor, "the worst politicization of justice in our country since I fired Jeff Sessions."

 

Dictionarium

Fascismo

fa·scis·mo  /fäˈCHēzmō/

noun

Loud or aggressive display of intimidation in service of a “Might Makes Right” style ideology and signaling the intent to dominate opposition by brute force or at least the threat thereof. Related to "machismo" but in this case presented as a show of support for or defense of an authoritarian figure or the behavior of said authoritarian figure himself and meant to incite his followers.

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny the existence of an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

"Heads I Win, Tails You Lose" Now Official Campaign Strategy for All GOP Candidates

"We're in it to win it," states a recently leaked text sent to all Republican candidates running for office at every level, "Losing is not an option—even if you do—so if you want any of our sweet, sweet deep-pocket RNC campaign funding, you'll start declaring victory now. Today. Before the voting starts. Only losers admit to losing. Seriously, if you can't deny reality and lie to your constituents with a straight face before you're elected, how are you gonna manage when you're in office?" 

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"