Ant Farmer's Almanac

“If She’d Been Any Good at Her Job There, She’d be Manager by Now”

The Trump campaign continues to cast doubt on Kamala Harris having worked at McDonald’s, while also insisting that her never being McDonald’s “Employee of the Month” is evidence of her incompetence at the job.

“That she left to go to law school and seek another profession entirely is all the proof you need that she wasn’t even qualified enough to run the shake machine,” said JD Vance, in response to reporters' question about climate change. 

In other news, Trump says Mexico will pay for the free IVF he's promising.

 

Oasis Fans Upset to Be Reminded They're Still Fans of Oasis

The upcoming reunion tour of the 90s Britpop band Oasis has stirred up controversy over ticket prices and availability, renewed intraband discord and an unpleasant reminder to its fans that the band still exists.

"I thought I'd put all that behind me," says one middle-aged fan, "I was young, and it was all a bit of fun but, you know, I've got stuff to do now, kids, work, gardening and now, all of a sudden, I'm gonna have to see if I still fit into my old band t-shirts and then follow them around all summer," adding with a sigh, "It's kind of embarrassing but it's not like they're Nickelback or something."

 

 

21 Questions for the New York Times

In light of the New York Times' 21 questions for Kamala Harris, we have 21 of our own for them.

1) WTF, New York Times?

2) What is WRONG with you?

3) Are you trying to lose subscribers?

4) Who decided to rename the sports pages, "The Athletic"? I mean, c'mon.

5) Seriously, what is WRONG with you?

6) Do you really think that being extra hard on Harris and giving Trump a pass will make you look "Fair and Balanced"? (It doesn't.)

7) Follow up question: Have you forgotten how well this kind of strategy worked out in 2016?

8) Do your Real Estate section editors toss a coin to decide whether they'll run an "Everybody's Moving to Brooklyn" or an "Everyone's Leaving Brooklyn for the Hudson Valley" article that week? (Helpful Hint: when a Brooklyn couple whose jobs are "candle repair" and "poet" spend just under a million bucks for five acres and a century old farmhouse in Saugerties and another $450k on renovations, we all see TRUST FUND in flashing neon letters.)

9) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

10) What did Gail Collins do so wrong that she's now only allowed to write with Bret Stephens in the room with her? Is this about her going on about Mitt Romney's dog tied to the roof of his car in 2012?

11) Are you angling to be bought by Rupert Murdoch after finding out how much more money Wall Street Journal editors make since he bought that paper?

12) Does anyone there read Maureen Dowd's columns before they're published?

13) Did anyone on your staff suggest that maybe somebody who already had their own magazine to write in, like Rich Lowry, deserve space on The NY Times editorial page for a hit-piece on Kamala Harris? 

14) A summer-long column on birding? Really?

15) Who spends only 36 Hours someplace? (Spoiler alert: only somebody who missed their connecting flight or is snowed in and they'll be staying in the airport, that's who.)

16) Define "Fit to Print".

17) Why don't you run a comics page?

18) The whole Met Gala thing. You just made that up, right? It can't be real.

19) Do you have an in-house limit for how many times you'll repost an article with a different headline?

20) Seriously. What. Is. Wrong. With. You?

21) At long last, New York Times, if you can't recognize a mentally ill, race-baiting, cheap crook already convicted of fraud lowlife without a shred of decency when you see one, especially one who's been living down the street from you and committing his crimes in broad daylight for decades, why the fuck should we trust anything you say?

 

RFK Jr. Supporters Scramble for New Candidate to Waste Votes On

Upon the news of him suspending his campaign and endorsing Donald Trump for president, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s supporters found themselves unsure of what to do next. 

"I'm waiting to hear what the worm in his head has to say before making any major decision," said one supporter, "Just like Bobby does."

 

Harris Wearing Tan Suit Disqualifies Her from Presidency, Claim MAGA Media Pundits

"We must only have presidents wearing suits darker than they are," insist commentators from across the MAGA media-sphere, just before collapsing onto the nearest fainting couch, "I mean, can you imagine Donald Trump in seersucker? The horror, the horror..."

 

Harris Supporters Adopt Name, "Kamablers" in Response to Trump's Weird Mispronunciation

"He probably thought it was a clever insult," said one of the new group of Harris campaign activists, "But, that's presuming he thought about it at all." 

 

Trump Removed from White House Lawn While Holding Boombox Playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" Over His Head in Bid to Tempt Biden Back Into Presidential Race

"Honestly," said one Secret Service official at the scene, "We were surprised he could hold his arms up for that long."

 

TV Execs Tried Luring Biden into Retirement with Offer of Starring Role in Sitcom, “Commander & Chief” About an Ex-President and His Talking Dog Sidekick

The producers acknowledge they hadn't worked out all the details, such as whether Commander speaks to anyone and everyone, like Brian, the dog on Family Guy or if it's more like Mr. Ed where the horse spoke only to its owner, Wilbur.

"We figured they'd drive around Wilmington in Joe's vintage Corvette solving crimes and stuff. Each episode would start with them sampling ice cream when they hear of wrongdoing on their police scanner, Joe looks over at Commander and utters his catchphrase, 'That's some kind of malarkey, c'mon Jack!' and Commander replies, 'Let's roll... and stop calling me Jack!' By the end, Commander's pinned the bad guys to the ground, while Joe steps out of the car and, in a whispery growl, tells them, 'Stop in the name of the Rule of Law; that's an Executive Order!' This could've worked; Barretta had his bird, McCloud had a horse, Lassie had Timmy..."

Biden campaign operatives and DNC officials waved away the idea, "These same guys, just a couple of weeks before, had approached us suggesting that we give the President a makeover and run him as his long-lost twin brother or "identical cousin", like that's even a thing!"

 

Biden Didn't Say He's "1000% Committed to Staying in Race"

"Once he makes that statement, the other shoe has dropped," said one DNC operative, "And we'll know for sure he's dropping out,"

Trump Narrows Down VP Picks to Former Spokesmen/Alter Egos John Barron, David Dennison and John Miller

"Let's face it, they were made for this job!" said a Trump campaign insider about John Barron, aka John Miller, aka David Dennison, all Trump spokesmen and alter egos from his New York real estate days, "They're closer and more loyal to Trump than anyone else could be and, being fictional, are beyond scrutiny, accountability or prosecution," adding enthusiastically, "Plus, it would free up the Naval Observatory for use as an Air B&B, a casino resort hotel or we could sell it as military surplus; I mean, it's on land, what good is it to the Navy?"

 

Kickbacks, Bribes and Gratuities to Elected Officials to be Known as "Paid Partner Legislation"

Kickbacks, bribes and gratuities to Supreme Court Justices will continue to be known as "Gifts". 

 

"We'll Know It When We See Who's Doing It"

Supreme Court Majority responds to question of distinguishing between "official" and "unofficial" presidential behavior.

 

Anticipating Changing Trends, Remake of "The Untouchables" Reimagines Al Capone as Successful Businessman Unfairly Persecuted by Deranged Elliot Ness and J. Edgar Hoover's Corrupt, Crooked FBI.

New ending has Capone representing himself in court, where he delivers a dramatic closing argument, denouncing the totally rigged trial, the haters and losers and the deep state. This sways the jury to vote for his acquittal without deliberation and declare him exempt from any and all past and future taxes. The jury also demands the immediate indictments of Ness and Hoover, who are seen being handcuffed by bailiffs as Capone is triumphantly carried out of court on the shoulders of his cheering supporters.

 

SCOTUS Affirms January 6 Rioter's Claim That He Wasn't There to Disrupt Government, "I Just Needed a New Lectern"

In a 6-to-3 majority opinion, the Court ruled that, "...just because you get convicted of a crime that you planned on committing, bragged about having committed, and were recorded on film while you committed it, doesn't mean you should, like, get in trouble or anything."

 

Poll: Majority of Voters Would Choose Death by Shark or Electrocution Over Watching Presidential Debate

Those offered Ranked Choice Voting picked "Death by a thousand cuts" as another alternative. 

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.

 

Historic Bidding War Set Off as Environmental Groups Offer $2 Billion — Double What Trump Asked of Oil Companies — to Steer Energy and Environmental Policies

“We figured, if you can’t beat him, bribe him,” says Eco-Groups' spokesman, adding, “I just hope he's a man of his word.”

At presstime, no one from the fossil fuel industry could comment on when or how much of a counteroffer would be forthcoming.

 

Here is the Church, Here are the People, Comes a Tornado, There Goes the Steeple

Tornado Hits Pennsylvania Town During Church Service

 

"They Will Be Parasite Non Grata!" Trump Vows to Deport All Brain-Eating Worms on Day One

"Just the other day a worm came up to me, big worm, strong worm, tears in his eyes, Sir, he said, Sir, you have the best brain this worm has ever seen and it would be an honor for me to crawl in there, nibble a bit of it and then die. I could die happy. But I said no. No worm will ever eat even the tiniest part of my big, beautiful brain, very good brain, some say the best brain, doctors have said they've never seen anything like it. I took that test, that cognersherrrrr test, remember, man, woman, person, camera, covfefe. . . "