The Story of a Corporation That Wanted to be a Person
Once upon a time in the Woodland there was a corporation named PinocchiCo.
As corporations go, PinocchiCo was about average with its fair share of hostile takeovers, EPA violations, class-action lawsuits, downsizing, outsourceing, unsafe product recalls, shady accounting and accusations of influence peddling.
What made PinocchiCo stand out from the rest was that PinocchiCo wanted to be a person.
PinocchiCo knew that no corporation had ever become a person before (this was a while back) but bravely set out to do just that. Turned out it wasn't really all that difficult and, after greasing a few palms at city hall, PinocchiCo got its wish and was transformed.
From the first moment PinocchiCo became a person he acted exactly the same way as before: he spit his gum out on the sidewalk, jumped into cabs that had stopped for little old ladies in the rain, parked in handicapped spaces, used the "10 Items or Less" checkout line when he had way more than 10 items, talked on his cellphone during movies and bribed his way into trendy restaurants and out of speeding tickets.
Even worse, when his bills came, he yowled about how broke he was and how he'd have to declare bankruptcy, lay off his housekeeper, cook and/or gardener just to stay afloat or he'd threaten to move away and never come back.
This tearful routine actually worked, usually netting PinocchiCo a sizeable tax break, despite the fact that the more he lied the more visibly his bottom line grew.
Finally fed up, a group of concerned citizens united into an angry mob and went to stage an "intervention" with PinocchiCo.
PinocchiCo just laughed, "I never said I wanted be a good person," he snorted, "Besides, all I have to do is change my name, logo, relocate and I'm back, baby!"
Hearing that — and knowing it was true — the angry mob rushed PinocchiCo, tore his assets to pieces and sold them off at a tidy profit.
Moral: Corporations are not people, my friend, and if they were, you wouldn't want one sitting behind you at the movies.
